By: Jan Paulo Sarmiento
“Me? I love fear,it means I’m close, it means, I’M READY”
-Kobe Bryant and Tim Duncan,2008
Fear is mankind’s most formidable nemesis. It is the root of all our physical and emotional stresses either directly or indirectly. It neither has a figure nor tangible attributes but this maniacal monster seems to be clad in an impenetrable sheath which renders futile any attempt to forcibly expulse it out of our very own system. As if it was human,utilizing its mind to the most extent, fear will employ every means that it has in its disposal to induce one into believing that he will never realize his dreams or it could make him/her think skeptically before doing his desired action. It may be in a form of traumatic events, phobias, failures, frustrations,embarrassment and any other dire circumstances that may discourage a person from doing activities that are geared towards the enhancement of his self-esteem. The last words have just made me cringe.
In my mind, there are always huge, vigorous battles that I am engaged in, and becoming victorious in each of them is imperative. In my own mental arena, I am the champion and my fears are the challengers. To lose means I am weak, and I have nothing to blame but myself and such feeling self-guilt is too mentally torturing to intake. Everyday my bout is against fear and the stresses it produces. A majority part of that is hurdling the traumas of yesterday’s horrid experiences and such has become my everyday thing. Whenever I am confused or on the verge of failing , the voices of my tormentors scoffing at me recur in my memory and the illusion of their diction seems to be so clear as if they are speaking to me from an intimate distance. One of the deepest desires of my heart is to disprove the discouraging comments they have struck against me and fear of failing to do so comes along with it, yet when it occurs, it did nothing more but aggravate the tension inside my head.
Facing them head on in my mind under such circumstances is futile, but its the trying to ignore them that is the more difficult part. Escaping from such a debilitating attack meant another struggle, another battle. Such illusory voices are consequences of my fears that keep on whipping me down to the point that it has adversely affected my normal functions. Sometimes, they are successfully fended-off, sometimes they succeed at stressing me out. However on the flipside, regardless of how those words irked, they have reminded me of how resilient I was, that even despite their harsh remarks, some of my most treasured things in life have so far been achieved. Somehow, that positive thought has become my shield against such a flash of an attack from my gloomy yesteryears but there were times when it has cracked under pressure.
However, the relentless surge of bad memories still do not stop that they even now charge at my social life and stopping them necessitated a rigorous effort. Having grown up often as an outcast in the classroom with the history of being rejected by almost everyone, it has made me reluctant to make the first move, to introduce myself and offer my help if ever they need it. Because of it, everyone, even my parents have perceived me as an anti-social being but actually it’s just that the stigma of my past rejections and failed friendships are still reeling within me. And until this day, I have sparred with it almost endlessly. Queries like “will they like me?” “what if they see me as weirdo?” “How if they misunderstand my actions?” “How if I displease them without me being aware of it?” “If they see the genuine me,will they still accept me?” “Are they just using me?” are frequent. Contemplating on such mentally perplexing questions disables me to make friends with everyone. Staging a dilemma between my past experiences and my enthusiasm in befriending various kinds of people. There were excruciating instances when paranoia suddenly enters my mind and it only made things worse. There was rejection when there was none; there were negative impressions but in reality there was none; there is a problem but actually there was none. Created are these illusions for absolutely no good purpose and my resistance against it until now holds ground.
I have battled them for almost the entirety of my life. Like a warrior so exhausted from war, I maybe running on fumes, but quitting shall never be an option. These fears are the obstacles that must be overcome in order for me to become a better person and realize my own dreams. Courage will be my only reward for conquering them but regardless of how modest it is, no other thing is better fitting as a prize than that which shall give me the boost in confidence I gravely need and the will power to face the challenges of tomorrow moving forward. Facing these internal battles with me are my family and my friends. They are God’s instruments of his helping hand, lending assistance to me in times of need. With them no mountain is higher,no sea is more vast, nothing seems to be impossible. It maybe a late realization that these fears will never go away but rather I will face them bravely for doing so would only make me stronger until such time that I am within arms length of my dreams and desires and I am ready to seize it.
No comments:
Post a Comment